I had my daughter Sept 28, 2014, and no one tells you what happens next. It’s supposed to be this joyous, happy time and don’t ever express a single word of negativity because that would just make you ungrateful. But there is a period of darkness. Of doubt. Of times where you are so consumed by guilt, you can’t breathe. I went through a period of sadness soon after my daughter was born. She was wonderful and I finally knew what it was like to love another human being so ferociously, but I felt trapped, sad, confused, and worse, I was overwhelmed by guilt. I don’t want to call what I experienced PPD, but it is something I’ve come to learn, is more common than I thought. New moms would tell me they felt lonely, trapped, consumed by guilt, and I’d sit back (having come out of all that) thinking wow it wasn’t just me and why are people not talking about this? Why are people not allowing us new moms to feel this, honour it, learn from it? Why are we being told to feel grateful and that’s all we’re allowed to feel?
This change in my life, this moment, I know is what led me to where I am today. It started there and I believe the negative thoughts that consumed me, sent me on a downward spiral. Why wasn’t I good enough? Labeling my spouse, my friends, my parents. I can’t provide, I’m going to lose my job, I don’t have enough to support my family. On and on and on it went. I diseased myself with these thoughts and sent them out into the universe for all to hear. I know now it was the wrong thing to do. That I can control my space and attract from the universe what I need. But I only figured this out after falling. HARD. And then awakening into a grand new world ready to receive and provide.
By the end of 2015 I had already been kicked in the gut a few times. I was ready to be done with it and start 2016 better off than I was, but I was in a state of panic. I was concerned about work, family, living situation, future prospects and opportunities, and I was frantic. I had (what I felt) were good opportunities coming together and while that eased my frustrations, it wasn’t the direction I was meant to be going. You see, they were forced. The universe was pulling me one way and I ignored it and pulled the other. So naturally, by mid-March I found myself on the verge of a mental breakdown. Let me explain…
I started a new job early February, which from day one added a level of anxiety and stress I wasn’t prepared for. Going into week two on the job I was running with three high profile clients (covering for someone on vacation) along with my own clients, my mom was admitted to hospital from a heart attack, my dad was unraveling from the stress, my spouse lost his job and didn’t tell me, and I had to figure out daycare for my child. Thanks for the BIG RED FLAG universe, you’re a real a-hole sometimes, but I finally got the message. By week four I was dropping off my laptop, office pass and a letter of resignation to HR. I was DONE. Utterly spent and frazzled, I was done, done, done. I could not live my life like that. For the first time ever, I knew what it must be like for someone with a diagnosed mental illness because I was on the verge of having a complete mental breakdown.
After leaving my job, I knew I needed help or something to guide me to the light. I found a coach who was able to support shifting my energy and gave me permission to move forward. But I, myself, and only me had to do the work and had to be ready. It took me four weeks of coaching, self-discovery, some pampering, and much-needed love to come out of the darkness. I had a new faith and hope. New directions to explore. New parts of me to tap into and let out. I felt a fire light within me, ready to burn brighter, stronger, and longer. I could see a purpose and possibility for what I wanted to do. I had love, a message, and strong energy to share. It was the first time I felt a zest for life since my daughter was born.
Immediately, I felt a new change within my mind and way of thinking and once I tapped into the realm of energy work, I was hooked! When I followed my universal path, things started to happen. Plans came together in unusual ways. I had read and heard about this, but never experienced it or perhaps I had, I just wasn’t paying attention. The universe was giving back what I so desired. So you’re not such an a-hole afterwards! We all need that tough love to make a change, break a habit or follow our destiny. I never thought it was possible for me to be doing what I am. Setting boundaries in work/life and doing what brings me JOY. I thought that was only reserved for the select “lucky” ones. I was so wrong. I had it in me the whole time. Like Dorthy always having the ability to go home, she just didn’t realize it. You too have the ability to find your Joy, you just have to look within. It will be there waiting for you 🙂
Much love to you all,